We proceed thus to the third article (of discussion): it seems that Santa Claus does not exist.
Objections:
1. It seems that Santa Claus does not exist, because Christmas gifts are able to be given to us by the good elves. Therefore, Santa Claus does not exist.
2. If Santa Claus did exist, there would be no chimneys too narrow for him. But there are chimneys too narrow for him, and sometimes none at all. So Santa Claus does not exist.
ON THE CONTRARY, Kay Starr says ‘I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus’.
I ANSWER THAT the existence of Santa Claus can be proved in five ways.
The first and most manifest way is the argument from Christmas trees. It is certain and evident to our senses that some things in this world are Christmas trees. Now no fir becomes a Christmas tree unless it is trimmed. But to be trimmed means that one receives an ornament. And since one cannot go to infinity in the passing on of Christmas tree ornaments, there must be a first Untrimmed Trimmer, and this everyone understands to be Santa Claus.
The second way is from the motion of Christmas presents. In this world we find the giving of Christmas presents. Now he who gives Christmas presents either got them from someone else or made them in his workshop. And since if no one makes Christmas presents in his workshop, there won’t be any giving of Christmas presents, there must be a First Giver of Christmas presents, to which everyone gives the name Santa Claus.
The third way is from the plastic images of Santa Claus. In all department stores we see plastic things which represent Santa Claus. Now these things are representative either because of Santa Claus himself or because of other images of Santa. But there can be no infinite regression in representation, so there must be something which is like Santa Claus because it is Santa Claus.
The fourth way is taken from degrees of Christmas spirit. We see that people in this world have more or less Christmas spirit. But ‘more’ or ‘less’ can be said only in reference to a ‘most’. So there must be someone who has the most Christmas spirit, and this person we call Santa Claus.
The fifth way is from the conduct of children. As Christmas approaches, we see children, who lack intelligence, acting for an end, which is shown by their always being good, or almost always. But children would not be good for Christmas unless someone ensured that they be good. This someone is known by everyone to be Santa Claus.
Replies to Objections
1. Since the good elves got the presents they give from someone else, they must at most be Santa’s helpers.
2. It is not impossible that Santa Claus use the door like everyone else.
Note to beginning students: This text, the authorship of which remains unknown, could well be taken as a piece of serious philosophy, but it is perhaps better appreciated as a piece of serious parody. The source material is the well-known passage from Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274), whose unfinished work on systematic theology, his Summa Theologia (STh), includes a passage commonly known as “The Five Ways” — so-called because it presents five separate proofs for God’s existence. Aquinas also wrote a briefer, but complete, systematic theology by the name of Summa Contra Gentiles (SCG), or Work against the Gentiles, a text primarily aimed at Muslim scholars. It is the title of this latter work that the above title — Summa Contra Scroogica — is parodying. Proofs for God’s existence can also be found in the SCG, but the five ways are found in the STh.
Provenance: This text circulated briefly on the internet back in the early 1990’s; it was almost certainly the product of one or more philosophy graduate students with far too much free time on their hands. I haven’t been able to determine its origin, but its web-presence is currently so limited that it seems appropriate to post it here. This fine set of arguments is also available in Latin.